blogging on.....

this foray into writing has been more difficult than i first thought it would be!!! wanted to tell a cohesive life story but i am not that type of a person i have concluded.

My kids are my greatest joys, blessings, and responsiblities; i have four; the first two are girls, ages 23 & soon to be 21. Both girls are married to army men; both of whom are currently deployed in Iraq.

The next two are boys -ages 51/2 and 1 1/2. Different lives, different dads but don't ever call them half-siblings --- they are closer than most kids fully biological or otherwise. Both girls would do anything for their brothers and the boys adore their sisters; the oldest boy was quite raised by the 3 of us women --- i wasn't in a good place. i had literally just left a 20 year abusive relationship when i met the boys' father and was q1uite smitten in spite of my determination to stay alone and give my daughters and i a peaceful, quiet life; really didn't intend to have a relationship but found myself mesmerized by this tall, dark latin w/ deep soulful eyes full of pain, wisdom, and depth --not a shallow person; i thought he was in the divorce process as i myself was and the very first time we had sex our awesome son was created..................... not a believer in abortion and a firm believer in the sanctity of life abortion wasn't a consideration and i was flung into the abyss of denial and shock because i soon found out the man who had stolen my heart had lied and wasn't free at all................. i thank God for the girls because life for all us went through if not a hellish time it was certainly painful..................... i finally started putting my self back togethern when my father began his decent into self-destruction, depression, and alcoholism which killed him 2 years later ---- within 24hours of my father leaving this earth, the boys' dad came to visit, give me money to go to my father's funeral and his comforting me left me pregnant again in spite of birth control; that sent me into another even deeper depression of sorts --- in spite of believing the baby was sent by God, i couldn't go on anymore --- still to this day i am often living out of body --- how can one be so torn and lost yet not be unhappy??? well, that is the enigma that i am, that my life is ----------- we are uberwindens to be sure, German for to overcome; more than survivors.....................